Arnold Crapacan is a Korean War veteran and member of the Woodfin Lion's Club

Dear Arnold,
What are some good methods and ideas for childproofing a home?
- Vern

Dear Vern,
Children are like any other infestation. Remove food, water and access and they’ll eventually go away.

First, lure the children out of your house with a trail of gummy bears. Once the children are outside, lock and bolt the doors and windows. No matter how much they cry or knock, don’t let them in. After a while, they’ll find another house to infest that’s not been childproofed.

Contact me and we'll send you a barrel.

In the rest of this issue:

MEDIA WATCH

Citizen-Times editor Susan Ihne uses her column to explain to readers the Gannett sick day policy. Page 51

WOMEN

Not only are women underrepresented or negatively portrayed with bias in the media and communications world, they are also often cute as dumb little buttons. Page 63

FACTS

What they are, where people get them, and why they are wrong. Page 97

Surveilled drug dealers dutifully keeping unsafe police drivers off the streets

Unsafe at any speed: Members of the Drug Suppression Unit are safely parked on the side of the road, thanks to the efforts of freebase entrepreneur, Lil’ Gout (inset).

SHILOH, MONDAY — Members of a local crack house are fostering an atmosphere of good will with neighbors by forcing several unmarked police cars to remain safely parked in front of the residence and off Asheville’s roads.

Local parents say they are keen to keep an eye on the unpredictable Asheville Police drivers who have long been the scourge of city streets. “Before these nice crack heads moved to our neighborhood, we had police cars flying up and down the street at all hours,” said one neighbor who asked to remain anonymous. “It was dangerous around here.”

That changed when a 56-year-old parolee, known on the streets as “Lil’ Gout,” moved in and set up what he refers to as a “freebase establishment operating on open-market principles.”

Once he opened the doors for business, children were once again able to play in the streets of the South Asheville neighborhood since the unmarked police cars were forced to remain safely pinned down and stationary while keeping the crack house under surveillance.

Lil’ Gout, who is a frequent poster of police-cruiser locations on the local web site www.wheredeybenow- Ashevulwhachouwant.com, says he is just doing his duty to keep dangerous police drivers off the road.

“Whey, shobie do dat getchoo heya now,” Gout explained.

Mumpower relents to self-demands for more Mumpower

ASHEVILLE, TUESDAY — Asheville City Council member Carl Mumpower announced today that he will continue visiting the hottest poverty and drugridden locations in Asheville, aiming to log a record 30 consecutive daily incidents of being a total narcissist.

"The equation is a fairly uncomplicated one," Mumpower told reporters following the announcement of his latest civic endeavor.

"Hard drug problems do stem from the absence of a more absolute and robust law-enforcement presence,” Mumpower continued. “Our communities must make this presence a top priority if our children are to succeed us in safeguarding the divinity of free enterprise."

With a sample of his most recent findings that he shared with local news media, Mumpower was careful to remind all who would agree that his plan provides "hands-on solutions" for problems related to poverty, housing, and the hard drug market in Asheville.

In what he called a personal mission to "terminate the aggression of social venom and disobedience in our public halls and streets," Mumpower attributed the future success of his latest project to an "overdue obsession that escapes the prison of absurdity in idle maturity."

But the ongoing quest to ignore some of the most distressing causes of social and economic injustice in modern society is not without hardship, said Mumpower.

"It's that sacrifice that separates me from the liberal cheerleaders contaminating our fair city and the administration of its laws."

Mumpower plans to officially conclude his latest megalomaniacal experiment in late March with a press conference highlighting the results of his projected 30-day success at being an entirely new brand of narcissist.