Colony Collapse Disorder strikes local commune

MONTFORD, WEDNESDAY - When over 70 percent of the members in a local communal living arrangement disappeared, scientists immediately went about studying the unwashed dishes mysteriously left behind in search the cause of the hippies' abandonment of their hive.

The mass exodus left behind a defenseless leaseholder and a few immature workers, according to researchers.

The Montford home where the commune was based.

"One minute, everyone was here, pulling together as a team to plant the People's Resistance garden," said Amanda O'Neil, founder of the One World Commune located in the basement apartment of a Montford home. "Then, everyone went to MerleFest, and that was the last I heard of them."

A full refrigerator and a half-smoked bowl on the coffee table only add to the mystery. The disappearance comes as a serious blow since several of the missing people were Worker People, a rare and special breed of Asheville resident.

While O'Neil believes that cell phone towers have something to do with the colony's collapse, at least one other former member of the household met a girl at Merlefest and followed her back to Tennessee, while two others then followed him out of boredom.

"I desperately need to find some more rent-payers, er, comrades," O'Neil said.

'Shindig on the Green' bridges gap between Anglos, Saxons

Could Anglos [above] and Saxons [below] one day peacefully co-exist?

ASHEVILLE, MONDAY - Bringing together two opposing cultures is no small task, but it is one that is accomplished with ease by organizers of "Shindig on the Green," who recently held a fundraising event for the summer concert series.

"It's nice to see both communities - ethnic Anglo-Americans and the Saxons - able to put aside their differences for at least one day," said "Shindig on the Green" organizer Scott Lockhart. "This summer, our free outdoor concerts will allow people to find a common bond in the foot-stomping banjo breakdowns that truly bridge the gap between the Anglo love affair with clogging and the Saxons' preference for yodeling."

The Anglo-American community traditionally shies away from Saxon cultural leanings, fearful after hearing generations of old wives' tales about a white, blinding whiteness erupting should ever the two cultures co-exist.

Traditionally, the Saxons have been a servant class, a people who pride themselves on their work ethic and caddying abilities. The Anglo-Americans, on the other hand, have always been drawn to the lure of tennis, finance and the production and distribution of highend goods that the Saxon culture has come to depend upon.

"This," Lockhart added, "shows that even two distinct Western European cultures can be peacefully brought together through the power of old-time Caucasian music."

Asheville eyeing '07 profit after Soul Asylum booked for Bele Chere

Drummer Grant Young at a recent gig

ASHEVILLE, TUESDAY - A representative of Food Trak Services, a catering company in Minneapolis, has verified that employee Grant Young has requested off the last weekend of July in order to get together with his old band Soul Asylum and headline this year's Bele Chere festival.

Young has reportedly told his co-workers at the catering company to kiss his ass after receiving word that he would receive $40,000 to play Bele Chere, when in fact the members of Soul Asylum would have been willing to buy individual weekend passes at full price in order to play a side stage.

"Bele Chere really came through," Young said. "We had to look up our old manager because no one else had a fax machine to receive the contract."

Asheville city officials refuse to explain why such a large amount of upfront, good-faith money was paid in advance to guarantee the band's booking, but did offer that Soul Asylum will likely play "both songs."

The band is excited about the opportunity this represents. "Technically, I got replaced by another drummer back in '86," Young said. "I explained this to the festival organizers but they wouldn't hear of it." Young continued. "In fact," the musician continued, "I'm just paying a Dave Pirner look-alike or whoever else I can get and playing as Soul Asylum & Friends."

For years, hosts and reporters on National Public Radio have signed on and off with the kind of monikers so often used by those in show business.

There's no doubting that "Lakshmi Singh" is the type of handle that will stick in your head for days, and "Corey Flintoff" is a high-octane name that inspires visions of fearless news reading in the minds of listeners.

A glimpse of their birth certificates, however, reveals that, before entering the glitzy world of public radio, many of these NPR personalities started off in life with names of a decidedly more pedestrian bent.

Closer to home, WNCW host "Kim Clark" [real name: Sunshine Morningstar] settled on her professional stage name after learning that her first choice, "Jane Smith," had already been taken by a correspondent in San Francisco who was afraid her multicultural sounding name would be an impediment to a career in California public radio.

Below are a few examples, dug up by our researchers.