Married teachers spice up, ruin romance through fantasy role-playing
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ASHEVILLE, MONDAY - Local teachers Dan and Deborah Lynchel recently experienced "extreme discomfort" after trying to spice up their love life by role-playing a teacher/student fantasy, according to the couple.
"Since doing that, Dan and I have agreed to leave that fantasy out of our bedroom and keep it in the classroom where it belongs," said chemistry teacher Deborah.
The Lynchels, who both teach in the science department at Asheville High, decided to "liven things up a bit" after a long night of margaritas in celebration of the end of the school year.
"Dan started spanking me and telling me what a naughty, disruptive girl I was in class," Mrs. Lynchel said. "Which was really hot until he started using the real name of this naughty, disruptive girl he had in his class this year."
The awkward moment passed when Dan agreed to switch roles with his wife.
"I let her be the teacher and she started talking real nasty to me about Jason the varsity quarterback, and wanting me to give her my 'hot young stuff before Mr. Lynchel gets home,'" recounted Mr. Lynchel. "And I played along but she kept saying in a frustrated voice, 'No, it's not like that - it's done differently.'"
Around that time, Mr. Lynchel says he began thinking about the private tutoring lessons his wife gave to Jason the varsity quarterback in their home for the past four years while he stayed after school as a Key Club sponsor.
Mrs. Lynchel claims that after her husband's "un-Jason-like paranoia," she let him steer the fantasy.
"Out of nowhere, he changes the fantasy from teacher/student to teacher/teacher, which didn't seem like much of a fantasy since that's what we are," Deborah said, "except I was supposed to play the part of Ms. McNeely, who teaches 10th-grade biology next door to his life-science classroom." The botched attempt at fantasy roleplaying ended with a shared stony silence from opposite sides of the bed.
"We've agreed that we don't need to pretend to be other people to have a great love life," Dan Lynchel said.
His wife agrees. "It's plenty sexy when we just be ourselves and let Jason the varsity quarterback be Jason the varsity quarterback."
Local man regrets sitting next to one-eyed gypsy after Ferris wheel gets stuck at Asheville Mall
Tunnel Road, Saturday - Unable to round up any friends to join him on a recent trip to the fair at the Asheville Mall, local computer programmer Don Hamilton decided to go it alone, a decision he would come to regret after ride operators for the Ferris wheel paired him off with a gray-haired, one-eyed gypsy visiting from Romania.
"I tried making polite conversation on the way up to the top, but I don't think she could even see me real well because her one yellow eye was real watery," Hamilton recounted. "She just kept cackling and poking my knee with her bony finger."
As their carriage reached the uppermost position in the air, the ride came to a sudden standstill and gave Hamilton and the woman some extra time to get to know one another.
"I told her that at least it was a pretty day to get stuck on top of the Ferris wheel," Hamilton recalled, "and she told me that it would be a 'closed-casket affair.'"
When Hamilton looked over the side to see what was causing the delay, the woman attempted to steal his watch but was thwarted when her knuckle hair became entangled in the wrist band.
"We couldn't get untangled, either," Hamilton said. "I think that's when she started hissing like a opossum, but it could have been earlier."
Hamilton tried to stay optimistic about the condition of the stationary Ferris wheel.
"I'm sure they're required to have these rides regularly inspected," Hamilton said, trying to alleviate the discomfort of the situation with small talk.
According to Hamilton, the woman then stared at him with her open, empty eye socket. "I see your children crying in my dreams," she reassured him.
A few minutes later, the ride started up again and their carriage eventually rotated back down to the ground.
After getting off the ride and surrendering his watch in order to separate himself from his new friend, Hamilton quickly left the fair and suffered an hour-long bout of the heebie-jeebies that eventually turned into a full-blown case of the willies.
As to whether or not he will ever return to the fair when next it comes to Tunnel Road, Hamilton remains philosophical.
"No."
