Arnold Crapacan is a Korean War veteran and member of the Woodfin Lion's Club

Dear Arnold,
My child likes to be read to at night to help him go to sleep. Do you have any suggestions for bedtime reading or some good traditional bedtime stories?
- Vern

Dear Vern,
Well, my father's favorite bedtime story when I was a child went something like this:

"Once upon a time there was a pansy-ass momma's boy who wouldn't shut the hell up and go to sleep. One night, his dad stuck his foot in his son's ass and taught him a valuable lesson about shutting the hell up and going to sleep. The End."

I still don't know what book he got that from.

Dear Arnold,
My teenage boy is suffering from embarrassing acne. Are there any medications or home remedies that you would recommend? Any help would be appreciated.
- Susan

Dear Susan,
There's an easy way to get rid of zits. You'll need some 40-to-60-grit sandpaper, some moonshine and a can of WD-40. Cover the infected area with WD-40, then sand until bleeding. Pour moonshine on it, then drink the moonshine because it's going to hurt like living hell.

It'll scab over real good. After the scab falls off, your infected area will be as smooth as a baby's ass, but it might be a different color.

Buncombe County rethinking decision to store guns in jail's walls

BUNCOMBE COUNTY JAIL, MONDAY - A recent declaration by former Buncombe County Sheriff Bobby Medford that guns which went missing from the evidence room under his watch were buried in the walls of the Buncombe County jail has raised eyebrows among local architects and jailers alike.

"I've heard of laying a foundation using stacks of $100 bills, but building walls out of guns is very cutting edge," said architect Scott Galvin. "Just last year, I built a school for troubled youths using nothing but broken egg-timers, switchblade knives and sticks of defused dynamite."

One jailer who works at the prison was surprised at the revelation.

"I do understand that modern prisonbuilding techniques commonly involve building confiscated, unmarked guns right into the walls of the prison for purposes of maintaining structural integrity," said guard Danny Mays. "On the other hand, it's nerve-racking as all get out to have gun barrels and triggers sticking out of the cell walls everywhere. You never know who might just get a bad idea, sitting around all day in a jail cell built out of missing guns."

The recent audit of the Sheriff's Department's evidence room also indicated that large quantities of drugs had gone missing under Medford's watch, leading some to believe that the missing contraband might have been used as insulation in the construction of local drug-rehabilitation clinics. Though some say Medford has been less than forthcoming with investigators regarding the missing guns, money and drugs, he has given them a lead they are vigorously pursuing.

"We ask anyone with information about four aces that were presented to the former sheriff in his basement sometime in March of 2002 to come forward," said Mike McCullister of the State Bureau of Investigation. "We have reason to believe that this person bluffed a weak hand, forcing Medford to go 'all-in' with several bags of evidence that were then lost forever."

Local teenager officially last person on planet to find out about recently busted party

Learns about it from second-and-third-to-last-to-know - her parents

BREAKFAST TABLE, TUESDAY - Her parents read about it on the front page of the newspaper, which was notified about it from a concerned parent, who learned about it from her child, who learned about it from a mass mailing sent out to local high school-aged MySpace account holders, thus making 16- year-old Jennifer in Arden the last person on Earth to find out about the recently busted local party full of teenagers.

"Jen, it says here in the paper that they had a keg of beer and a piñata full of sex toys. What do you know about this?" her mother reportedly asked her over breakfast.

Jennifer knew better than to lie to her parents.

"Nothing," the young woman replied.

"Don't lie to your mother, Jen," said Jennifer's father. "How on Earth could you not have heard about this? Even your grandmother received an invitation through her MySpace account."

Jennifer has reportedly vowed to begin reading the front page of the daily paper to "get an inside-track on the 411 about parties" she may be missing.

Tourist trolley collides with Naked Bike Ride

ASHEVILLE, SATURDAY - More than two dozen passengers on a tourist trolley were being treated for shock, hyperventilation, post-traumatic stress disorder and severe chafing after their trolley suffered a head-on collision with 200 nearly naked bike riders on Saturday.

"It was horrifying," one witness said. "Sweaty, hairy bodies were tangled up in bicycle chains, spokes and tourists. Several of the trolley riders clawed their own eyes out in an attempt to ease the pain."

It was not the first accident of the day related to the annual Naked Bike Ride.

An hour before colliding with the trolley, the bicyclists made their way from the Biltmore Village area up Biltmore Avenue toward downtown, a slow, uphill route that forced some drivers behind them to steer their cars into telephone polls to avoid an uncomfortable rectological-based conversation with their young children.

Guy who loaned Virato his bike for the weekend will 'probably just buy a new one'

Stephen Jones, the friendly nextdoor neighbor of Naked Bike Ride organizer Swami Virato, reportedly lent Virato his bicycle for the weekend without having any idea the local talk show host would be rubbing his old, saggy nakedness all over the 10-speed his mother gave him for Christmas in 2005.

When Virato returned the bicycle Sunday morning, it was not exactly in the same shape it was when Virato borrowed it on Friday.

"First off, I could tell right away that the bike simply did not smell right," Jones said. "And no matter what I do, I can't seem to get the wet stain off the bicycle seat. I can't even get it to dry up a little."

Jones points out that, even if he did want to keep his bicycle, he wouldn't be able to ride it.

"I never knew this, but you wouldn't imagine the kind of hell a small knot of little gray hairs can wreak on a derailleur," Jones said.