News Briefs

God answers local crippled girl's prayers for wok

Turkey parents concerned over daughter's free-range living arrangements

Local gay bars refuse memberships to Southern Baptists, citing poor dance skills

Hey, what ever
happened to ...

... Killing the Little League umpire?

As you well know, there was a time in the early 1990s when killing the umpire of your child's Little League baseball game swept the nation. People who weren't even parents quickly became fervent spectators at Little League games, where many a metaphorical matador was discovered by his adoring public after stepping forth from the crowd and volunteering to slay the red-faced, strike-calling, unhooved toro.

The fad ended as quickly as it began. The fickle media soon turned its bright lights on newer fads, such as women in militia movements. Killing the Little League umpire fell out of fashion, never to be seen or heard from again. These days, when we stab an opposing hockey dad or shoot a soccer mom in the stands, we should pay homage to the granddaddy of all adult-generated youth-sports violence -- killing the Little League umpire.

Winner of Grove Park Inn competition comes from broken gingerbread home

ASHEVILLE, MONDAY -- Judges in Grove Park Inn's annual gingerbread home competition have lauded Woodfin resident James "Jimmy" Wisniewski for the brutally honest gingerbread portrayal of his childhood.

"The little candy shutters were hanging by a thread from the window, the graham cracker door was bowed near the M&M door-handle from when the gingerbread cops kicked it in," said Sue Nester, a judge in this year's competition.

Wisniewski's home features a Fisher Price man hunting through the house with a toothpick/baseball bat for his wife's illicit lover while, having jumped from the upper bedroom window to the back yard made out of Easter basket grass, a pants-less but smiling gingerbread man runs as fast as he can.

"The mother is passed out at the kitchen table made of matchsticks with her head in a thimble," said Nester. "Additionally, Jimmy's use of coconut shreds to depict his older sister's methamphetamine habit is inspired."

Thanksgiving cancelled after turkey workforce calls in sick with bird flu

LEICESTER, TUESDAY -- Millions of turkeys, all claiming to have caught bird flu, have been taking excessive sick days lately, a situation that has jeopardized this year's Thanksgiving holiday.

"I suspect that many of them are using fake 'sick voices' when they call in so as to get out of work during our busiest time of year," said Scott Grayson, vice-president of acquisitions and disembowelment.

"Eleven-and-a-half months out of the year, everyone's fine and nobody has a problem picking up a paycheck, but when it's crunch-time, "Ew, I've got the bird flu, I'm not coming in today."

Many turkeys claim that the seasonal change in weather has made them feel "sick-y" and "aw stubfed ub," but their employers aren't buying it, citing the turkeys' use of the exact same "changein- season" excuse this past Easter.

"Look, this job isn't hard and I don't ask a lot," said Grayson. "You show up every day, do your work and you get paid in free food, paid well in my opinion. I tell you when you start here, 'Everyone works the holidays. No exceptions.' But every year, when the holidays come around, nobody wants to pull their weight."

"First, it was the cows: 'I'm depressed, I need to take time off to get my head straight.' Then the chickens: 'I don't wanna do it. I'm scared.' Now, big surprise, the turkeys have all caught the flu from each other."

A number of managers have reported closing down the work place for the day due to rampant absenteeism only to later stumble across a gathering of turkeys in a distant field "hooting and hollering and having a good ol' time for a bunch of turkeys who just hours earlier told us they were going to stay in bed all day," according to Grayson.

Grayson also wanted to "re-clarify for the last time" that turkeys were to show up for work every day in management- approved feathers and that "Benjamin Franklin" t-shirts were extremely inappropriate for the work place and any turkey caught wearing one would receive a verbal warning, a writeup or decapitation.

Preventing the flu

• When getting your flu shot, make sure the doctor uses a new syringe and doesn’t just wipe an old needle under his armpit.

• To stop the spread of germs at work, cover your mouth and nose with a stapler when you sneeze.

• Don’t touch your school-age children for the next six months or so.

• If you’re using a nasal spray flu vaccine, look inside the misting container to make sure nobody at the lab accidentally sneezed in it.

• When going to the public health clinic to get your flu shot, don’t touch anything at all or look directly at anybody

• If you notice that your dentist has a wet, hacking cough, ask him where he thinks he came down with that and then don’t go there.

• If you have OCD, just do your thing, man.

• Avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth. Let a trusted friend do that for you.

• If you’re riding a city bus and you sneeze all over the inside of the window, quickly wipe it off with your sleeve.

• Are you experiencing muscle aches and pains when you race back and forth to the bathroom all night long for simultaneous vomiting and diarrhea? Just to be on the safe side, stay home from work. You don’t want to risk catching the flu in your present condition.