News Briefs

Man rescued after two months in woods still thinks it's one hour later

Patient's false recovered memory gives Mumpower Vietnam flashback

MediaCom subscribers wonder who will read Citizen-Times aloud to them once they lose access to WLOS

Weakened Hot Dog King usurped by ambitious Count Corndog

SHATTERED REMAINS OF THE HOT DOG KINGDOM, MONDAY -- After his castle's keep was ransacked and the Hot Dog King's treasure was looted, royal watchers knew it was only a matter of time before ambition reared its head among the palace intriguers who gather daily in twos and threes around the royal palace's video poker machines.

"Truly, the entire hot dog kingdom as we know it here in the mountains may be in jeopardy," said Mark Jones, an analyst for the meat, monarchy and gaming industries. "None of the hot dog princes are strong enough to maintain order in the hot dog kingdom or fight off Count Corndog."

With the fall of the once mighty king, the glorious days of Anglo-on- Anglo video gaming may finally be coming to an end.

"Count Corndog has a folding card table in his keep where villagers can play three-card monte, but it's just not the same," said Jones. "And Harrah's doesn't have hot dogs, so you can see the dangerous territory we now find ourselves in."

Area Hispanics missing after attending annual Thanksgiving Dinner in Hendersonville

Apparently they did not heed warnings from area Indians

HENDERSON COUNTY, TUESDAY -- Several hundred Hispanic residents in the Hendersonville area have gone missing after attending a Thanksgiving dinner held in their honor by citizens in the region.

"Dude, first they'll give you a greenbean casserole, then they'll give you a virus and steal your land," one concerned Cherokee was overheard telling an Hispanic on the way to the dinner.

Hendersonville residents who attended the meal did not comment on the disappearance, only saying that "they must of gone back to where they came from, or something."

In other news, the La Vita Loca Mobile Home Park, where the missing residents had been living, is being torn down and turned into upscale condominiums sliding down a hill.

Nuances of wife's suicide note lost on grammarian husband

Bitch better bring me my Liberty Dollars

Jim Hancock
Libertarian Pimp

I told you to get back here and bring me mine when? That's right, at oh-five-thirty. Now here it is noon, and you just now getting back to the bunker? Nuh-huh. What's our deal? That's right, you bring me my Liberty Dollars first and everything else comes second.

When I met you, you weren't nothing but the president of the College Democrats. Had your hand out, didn't know what to do. What happened then? That's right, Big Jim the Libertarian took you in, fixed you up and turned you out.

I put a bunker over your head! I put MREs in your belly! And I love you, but baby, if I find out you been skimming from the nongovernmental barter chips, I will throw you to the Socialists. Now help me clean out the composting toilet.

What do you mean you do all the work? Oh, really? When the New World Order said, "Pay your taxes," who told you everything was cool as a mofo and not to sweat the federal man? Who's got an old school bus full of guns and drugs hidden in the ravine? Who took you to the military surplus store and bought you a bunch of sexy "Live Free or Die" panties? That's right, Big Jim the freaky-deaky Libertarian, that's who. And I do love you, in an every-manfor- himself kind of way. But I swear to McVeigh, if I find out you've held one single Liberty Dollar back from me, I'll barter you away to the first caravan of post-apocalyptic neo-gypsies I see. Now quit your crying and get your ass in this bunker.

Philosophically speaking, yes, you are free to do whatever you want as long as you don't infringe upon my rights. That being said, bitch better give me my noninflationary, nongovernmental, metal-backed money.

What was I saying? Naturally, it is the cornerstone of my belief system not to press another person into service against that person's will. On the other hand, I didn't put you up in high-dollar cammo panties to watch you sit around all day in the bunker, wasting time trying to figure out the combination to the door.

Wait, what is this? Explain to me why you're giving me Federal Reserve notes.

And is this a Euro mixed in with all this? Ah, hell no! No, I mean, I'm going to keep it this one time, but I'm telling you, and this is the last time I say it -- playing with my non-legal tender that's only good for bartering and not legal to use to pay my taxes with is like playing with my emotions!