News Briefs

Fast food worker celebrates one week of beating OCD

OCD Recovery Hands
Kid Care with Arnold

Arnold Crapacan is a Korean War veteran and member of the Woodfin Lion's Club

Dear Arnold,
I'm a stay-at-home Mom. What are some good baby activities or games I can play during the day?
- Betty

Dear Betty,
There's a lot you can do with the brats during the day. You can play "Sit There and Shut the Hell Up." There's "Hold This Antenna So My Show Will Come In" and "My Bunions Need Rubbing."

There's also a great version of "Hide and Seek" called "Hide and Leave for the Day."

Dear Arnold,
Our 3-year-old has gotten into the habit of whining about everything. It's driving us crazy. What can we do to make him stop?
- Alex

Dear Alex,
Have you tried a backhand upside the head? That works pretty well. It fixes other things too. Talking back? Backhand. Not doing chores? Backhand. Wants a hug? Backhand.

The trick is to hit them real hard.

Liberal children dying to go home for holidays

ASHEVILLE, MONDAY -- Following the Democratic sweep of Congress, WNC's conservative households are expecting 100 percent attendance from their cocky, liberal children.

With Family

"I don't normally encourage my parents to indulge their consumer needs under the guise of celebrating Pagan holidays," said Asheville resident Fegan Culcutty, whose parents live in nearby Barnardsville. "But, on the other hand, it will be a good opportunity to catch up on how things are going with the Charles Taylor yard sign that's now hidden in their garage."

Other children of the liberal persuasion say that Christmas is no time to talk politics, unless your party is in power.

"Their politics pretty much drove me away," said Jason Minto of his parents. "And now their weakened political strength brings me back."

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR PARENTS WATCH FOX NEWS:

• Wave a rolled-up Asheville Global Report in their faces and scream about the Indians in Chiapas or something.

• Reassure them that Nancy Pelosi is not going to force them into gayferness.

• If they want to argue politics based on their understanding of Fox News, then argue religion with them based on your understanding of The Da Vinci Code.

• Explain to them that a minority of liberals, no more than 25 percent, support legalizing marriage between one man and one animal.

• When you're talking to them, make sure you have an ugly sneer on your face so that they will accept and believe what you're saying about world events.

• Avoid beginning your pre-dinner prayer with the salutation, "Dear Lord Hillary..."

• If you hate your country and wish it was run by Islamo-fascists just like Fox News would have your parents believe, keep that under your hat.

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Other codes and statutes besides the UDO that City Council has been accused of not enforcing:

• Leni Sitnick's legendary "Puff, puff, give" legislation

• The "Don't bang your fellow Council members at the holiday party Act of 2005"

• Mumpower's "1/7th Misery Compromise"

• Woody, the 80-year-old street-side mascot of a local strip club, not supposed to expose himself to vehicular traffic.

• Restaurant patrons required to stand when Mayor Bellamy walks into Ryan's Steakhouse.

• Residents of so-called "workforce housing" legally must refer to themselves as the "People's Guard of the Revolutionary Proletariat" at all times.

• "When transportation services are offered for free and trumpeted in the press, chaos is forbidden to reign supreme on city buses."
-- from city statute 176.32g

• Bryan Freeborn's "Freeballin' Fridays" declaration.