Kissing couple plus one

A married couple's guide to turning that New Year's kiss into a threesome in three easy steps!

Step 1*:

The Married Couple needs to find a Single Girl no later than 11:00 p.m.

(Now, where a glass-half-empty type of person might see a creepy couple, the type of girl who sees the glass fully empty will see a creepy couple who's buying drinks. Kitty shouldn't stray too far from the milk.)

Step 2:

Tell Single Girl: "We just must find a good guy for you to kiss at midnight!"

The problem as it stands, however -- and your Super-Horny Wife will back you up on this -- is that "none of the single guys here are worthy of a woman like you."

[Useful advice from the N.O.W. Web site: "If you picked out your new see-saw correctly, she'll be the kind of lady who slips a roofie into her own drink first chance she gets so ixnae on the elony-fays."]

Step 3:

Now, it's 11:59 and homeboy needs to put one arm around his wife's shoulders and one arm around tricycle's waist; manhandling both but favoring neither.

At "10...9," Wife needs to lay a empathetic, fun smooch on Single Girl while Husband gives that thang an innocent, firm, lingering, groping spank while feigning shock at this totally un-mapped-out turn of events.

Break that junk up around "7...6...5" but Wife is required by law to maintain eye contact with Single Girl while biting her lower lip until Husband moves in for the New Year's Kiss, which the Married Couple needs to share together as custom dictates, all the while squeezing whatever part of Single Girl that Married Couple can get its four greedy, squeezy hands on.

Don't linger too long on kissing the appropriate person! Too many people blow it here. You need to bring Single Girl fully into a mutual pawing embrace after the New Year's Kiss but within the first 5-7 seconds of the New Year.

Now, exactly one minute after 2007 begins, you need to be knocking drinks out of hands and getting this weird show on the road (in a taxi or on your back, whatever, just quickly!). Why? Intoxication + Too Much Time = Mission Drift, that's why. Now, Godspeed!

* For the couples looking for an extra fella to jump in, a simple, "Do my wife?" will suffice.

Franklin Graham submits to father's wish for Cove gravesite, but now demands his mother be cremated and spread out at sea

Franklin Graham grudgingly refills hole he dug for father

Billy Graham's grave

CHARLOTTE, MONDAY -- After shelling out thirty of his own dollars to pay two Mexican workers to dig a grave in Charlotte for his beloved father, Billy Graham, heir apparent Franklin Graham paid another $10 for them to fill it back up with Billy-less dirt.

"Hate to waste a good hole, but whatever," Franklin said on Tuesday. Franklin went on to say that he was not expecting journalists to be standing nearby when he attempted to push his still-living father into the hole while touring the new Billy Graham Library, which "has everything except books and bodies," Franklin complained at a press conference.

The final resting place that Franklin lovingly designed for his father features a large pirate ship with a mechanical, talking parrot that spouts off scripture from the crow's nest as visitors make their way through an historically accurate ship's galley.

Billy Graham seemed to take the incident in stride.

"I don't care where you put me, you little punk," the elder Graham growled to Franklin. "You're only keeping me down for three days and then I'm gonna be springing up out of there like Jesus Jack Flash."



Features of proposed gravesite for Billy Graham, as designed by son Franklin

• Talking Cow at entrance says "Moo unto others," and winks.

• Live web-cam view of gift shop.

• Memorial barn located on working hog farm

• Will feature a log ride with one big final plunge for group baptisms.

• "Evangelical Charlotte farm" concept is like "Yankee repellent," according to architects

• For a small donation, an honest-to-goodness, God-fearing farmer will hammer his own thumb while working on his fence and take the Lord's name in vain in 16 different languages.

• Two Roman Centurions will guard Billy Graham's crypt 24 hours a day

• If Billy Graham rolls over in his grave while you're at the center, you don't have to tithe for a year.