New Supreme Court chief justice John Roberts has been pegged to replace Antonin Scalia as Clarence Thomas’ wing-man, according to wait staff at a Washington, D.C. TGI Friday’s.

The unexpected move took Scalia by surprise, but other justices present for the tequila-soaked swearingßß-in of the new wing-man saw it coming. “Clarence has a knack for scoring with the Court of Appeals hoochies, but then Scalia would interrupt and start going off on abortion and fuck his game all up,” said Justice David Souter, who flies solo.

By all accounts, Roberts fared well during his grueling confirmation hearing, reassuring Thomas that he strictly abided by the “Come together, leave alone” rule. Roberts also impressed the justices by consuming an entire Awesome Blossom in two minutes flat.

Thomas later declared that the first order of business was for Roberts to “keep that cock-blocking Ruth Ginsberg clear of the smoking section” to enable Thomas to use his time-tested “minority opinion” line on the circuit court hottie hanging all over the bar.

Obesity among teens has reached epidemic proportions and is jeopardizing the priorities of the Bush administration, according to a recent study by the U.S. Department of Defense.

The study, entitled “Fat Kids Make Lousy Soldiers,” reports that rates of teen obesity have tripled since 1980, leaving America’s youth less qualified than ever to defend U.S. oil interests overseas against “admirably underfed, sinewy terrorists.”

“We are adopting new strategies in this ‘War on Obesity’ in our nation’s high schools,” said DOD spokesperson Don Abrams. “Overweight students will now have mandatory ‘Freedom Marches’ and adopt a diet of Neo-Carb-Conservatism.”

The military’s new anti-obesity tactics are meeting resistance from antiwar groups such as the “Obesity for Life” organization, which has been accused of handing out French fries and twinkies on school playgrounds throughout the nation in an attempt to protect children from the ravages of what they call “the skinny man’s war.”

Despite such opposition, the Defense Department stands firmly against letting kids stay fat, chunky and firmly wedged in the road to victory.

“Our children are a valuable natural resource, right up there with foreign oil,” concludes the report. “We must take proper care of them so that they become thin, recruitable, air-liftable citizens.”

Gulf Coast, Fri. — Taking strong measures to protect themselves against future charges of negligence, local and state officials along the Gulf Coast are ordering all citizens within a one-state radius of any coastal area to evacuate should any storm cross the equator in a northerly direction.

“Due to Brazilian thundershowers that are on course to smash into the Gulf of Mexico around Christmas, we are ordering everyone south of Ohio to move north of Ohio immediately,” announced Alabama Governor Bob Riley yesterday. “Everyone in Ohio needs to go to West Texas until we can tell where this thing is going.”

While state officials operate from a perspective of good-hearted, fearful ineptitude, cable news reporters are refusing to allow the nation to calm down for at least a minute, eagerly filing reports about very distant, “though quite promising,” potential hurricane disasters, according to CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer.

“Hurricane Yasmine, currently a breeze that is picking up steam near the South Pole, is expected to plow into the Gulf of Mexico within minutes or weeks,” Blitzer reported yesterday. “Stay glued to this station for further details as we expect this nasty breeze to really develop in the next 24-to-36 months.”

Additionally, CNN has launched into 24-hour coverage of Hurricane Zolanda, a cup of day-old coffee that was recently tossed from a London windowsill which has been picked up by an Atlantic trade-wind and is expected by reporters to “smash the entire Gulf of Mexico into splinters.”

In other news, a drain at the bottom of a Baton Rouge residential swimming pool recently malfunctioned, setting the stage for a potential tsunami that is expected by experts to smash into the Gulf of Mexico at any moment.