Bogota, All Night Long — After more than a year of lagging US exports, Columbian Drug Lords, a for-profit organization operating out of South America, has hired model Kate Moss, whose recent photo-shoots have helped “bring back the glamour of the coke heydays.” Rico Samboya, a CDL account executive, attributes the recent drop in sales to the patriotic spike in Americans’ preference for American-made crystal meth, a cheaper, longer lasting but more corrosive stimulant. “It was one thing when meth was the drug of choice for an American redneck in a trailer park,” said Samboya. “But somehow meth became the ‘it’ drug and Kate’s just the person to help us get that title back.” Moss, who lost several multi-million dollar contracts over the recent incident, says that once she’s out of rehab she will be happy to have a job waiting for her.

New York, Mon. — Teleevangelist Pat Robertson and Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez reportedly made up at the recent United Nations conference, proving that “sometimes friendship means a little more than assassination threats and criminal tribunals.” Onlookers initially spotted Robertson at Macy’s yelling at clerks and buying “creepy sweaters” for his next appearance on the “700 Club.” Chavez, attending the U.N. conference in New York, also lacked his usual charismatic vigor, according to a Venezuelan official.
“There was a noticeable tremor in Chavez’s voice when speaking about the need to crush Yankee imperialism,” said Alfonso Gutierrez, a Chavez aide. “Also, he couldn’t properly trill his R’s when bellowing ‘revolucion!’” The two inadvertantly boarded the same elevator, sharing an uncomfortable silent moment while “Robertson kept hitting the ‘1st Floor’ button as if it would make us get there quicker,” said Chavez, who would not respond to charges of “laying one” in the cramped elevator somewhere around the 23rd floor.
As the pair exited, a security guard said he heard Chavez whisper, “I’m sorry, Pat. I didn’t really mean that about cutting off your oil.”
Robertson and Chavez were last seen together in a Venezuelan military base that had been converted into a makeshift clubhouse where the two stayed up into the wee hours of the morning playing Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, “without adult supervision,” according to one reporter.

Gulf Coast, Fri. — Taking strong measures to protect themselves against future charges of negligence, local and state officials along the Gulf Coast are ordering all citizens within a one-state radius of any coastal area to evacuate should any storm cross the equator in a northerly direction.

“Due to Brazilian thundershowers that are on course to smash into the Gulf of Mexico around Christmas, we are ordering everyone south of Ohio to move north of Ohio immediately,” announced Alabama Governor Bob Riley yesterday. “Everyone in Ohio needs to go to West Texas until we can tell where this thing is going.”

While state officials operate from a perspective of good-hearted, fearful ineptitude, cable news reporters are refusing to allow the nation to calm down for at least a minute, eagerly filing reports about very distant, “though quite promising,” potential hurricane disasters, according to CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer.

“Hurricane Yasmine, currently a breeze that is picking up steam near the South Pole, is expected to plow into the Gulf of Mexico within minutes or weeks,” Blitzer reported yesterday. “Stay glued to this station for further details as we expect this nasty breeze to really develop in the next 24-to-36 months.”

Additionally, CNN has launched into 24-hour coverage of Hurricane Zolanda, a cup of day-old coffee that was recently tossed from a London windowsill which has been picked up by an Atlantic trade-wind and is expected by reporters to “smash the entire Gulf of Mexico into splinters.”

In other news, a drain at the bottom of a Baton Rouge residential swimming pool recently malfunctioned, setting the stage for a potential tsunami that is expected by experts to smash into the Gulf of Mexico at any moment.