Seemingly normal man turns into jibbering spaz after crossing paths with puppy

Jeffrey Tambaux, a West Asheville resident normally in complete control of his functions and faculties, reportedly had a total spastic episode during his morning walk last Friday. The incident occurred upon seeing fellow resident Charlene O’Brian and her 5-month-old puppy, Poo Poo, walking in the opposite direction.

He seemed all right at first,” said O’Brien. “Initially all (Tambaux) said was, ‘Who’s that, I think it’s a pup.’”

However, the moment Poo Poo showed the slightest interest in Tambaux’s query, the otherwise composed man released a torrent of disjointed baby-talk such as, “Awww looka da pup. Looka da pup,” and then inquiring, “Who’s a fuzzy? Who’s a fuzzy boy?”

Without waiting for an answer he then confirmed that Poo Poo was indeed the fuzzy with, “You must be the fuzzy ‘cause ain’t no other fuzzies around.”

The chatter then degenerated further as Tambaux continued with, “Puppy puppy puppy pu pup puppy pup!”

Though Poo Poo’s self-esteem was undeniably heightened, his owner was slightly uncomfortable. “He never once recognized that I was there at all,” said O’Brien. Mr. Tambaux declined to comment on the incident.
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Wal-Mart protesters bump into each other at new Super Wal-Mart

ASHEVILLE — Suffering a bitter defeat after the opening of the new Wal-Mart Super Center off Swannanoa River Rd., the Anti-Wal-Mart Alliance recently held an awkward, unplanned 3 a.m. reunion in the frozen food aisle at the new Wal-Mart Super Center off Swannanoa River Rd.

“Down with Wal-Mart,” local protester Sam Westbrook mumbled under his breath after being startled by passing protester/shopper Donna Abrams, who took one hand off her shopping cart to limply raise a clenched freedom-fist that held a Wal-Mart Super Savings card.

Abrams, an outspoken critic of Wal-Mart’s use of 3rd-World child labor, was individually spotted by 17 fellow protesters as she forced $3 shoes onto her children’s feet.

“For three bucks, they fit perfectly,” she was overheard snapping to her crying four-year-old daughter, Karma.

Other protesters used the chance run-ins with one another to continue their valiant fight.

“On behalf of the mom-and-pop stores that this swollen corporate entity will run out of business, I’m doing recon on the frozen supreme pizzas these swine sell eight for a dollar,” Barb Billups said when startled by protest organizer Damien Parodi as the two reached for the last 64 frozen supreme pizzas in the cooler, each clutching $4 in their hands.

After the Wal-Mart defeat, protesters are turning their sights on a proposed downtown Old Navy, which they plan to fight tooth-and-nail until it opens just in time for them to get some springtime cargo shorts.



Bush Distances Self from Church
God ‘Clearly has weapons of mass destruction’
Harlan Esposito , Disclaimer Staff Writer


Completely contradicting previous administration policies, President Bush has begun severing ties between the White House and the religious right. The policy shift comes in the wake of the damage inflicted by last month’s tsunamis.

“The president has expressed great disappointment with the Lord,” said Clive Dimsdale, a White House spokesman. “Up until this point, we’ve always considered (God) to be a team player all the way.”

The White House has called the natural disaster a “deliberate terrorist action intended to disrupt the cause of liberty,” citing the amount of funds given in relief which could have gone toward ensuring Bush’s inaugural galas were more dazzling affairs.

“That’s why we initially thought that 3% of the president’s campaign budget would be plenty to offer for disaster relief,” said Dimsdale. “We assumed that the Lord would never disrupt our personal causes by bothering us with humanitarian needs. The initial assessment was that He was joking.”

The administration has also expressed outrage that God may have been developing weapons in secret without prior consent of the United States.

“(God) has not allowed us to inspect his arsenal nor has he made clear his intentions for using such weapons,” explained Dimsdale. “The President considers this an act of defiance from on high and has stated that all options will be left on the table in dealing with this Heavenly menace.”

According to a presidential decree, God is to have no further influence in Earthly affairs unless first approved by the White House lest it interfere with Bush family’s grand scheme.



Recent Iraqi elections go poorly for AGR
The much-anticipated Jan. 30 Iraqi elections, surprisingly marred by high voter turnout and less violence than expected, went very badly for the award-winning Asheville Global Report.

The AGR, recently honored by Utne Reader for its reporting of underreported internet reports, worked late into the night compiling underreported reports about the Iraqi election that came flooding in from internet reporters from as far away as friendsofCuba@aol.com.

Early attempts to translate “harrumph” into Spanish failed.

At time of press, AGR editors were still trying to work the Palestinians, trans-gendered Zapatistas and the phrase “patriarchal corporate imperialists” into the headline.