Body making best of last good day

Local father of three Daryl Dawson stood up several times inaudibly, played tag with his children and, unbeknownst to him, generally made the most of the last day ever that his 35-year-old body would be worth a damn.

While brazenly bending all the way over to scoop toys off the floor, Dawson told reporters he feels like he’s “still a young buck,” and ran his hand for the last time through a respectable head of hair, unaware that tomorrow and every day thereafter he would feel 75 only on good days.
7th-Grader standing behind you in mall would totally do you
Julia Skeeves, Disclaimer Staff Writer

Clay Strayhorn, a 7th-grade ass-enthusiast who is standing 100 yards away from you at the mall, would so do you in a heartbeat, according to his friends who also want to do you like crazy.

Clay, an Asheville Middle School student, confirmed reports that he would also do like 10,000 other women he’s seen in the mall today but that, at this very second, you’re the one he wants to do so badly he can’t stand it.



Pakistani, Indian fight over cashmere
Leo Bloom, Disclaimer Staff

Macy’s peacekeepers were deployed to the Petite area of the Little misses region to settle a heated dispute between two shoppers, one from India and one from Pakistan, over the rightful possession of the 300 square inch territory of a cashmere sweater.

“Praise be to Allah, I put the cashmere down for only a minute, I tell you,” one of the parties in the dispute said.

“I am berry sorry but I must insist to you that the cashmere is mine,” said the other.

The Macy’s peacekeepers were forced to withdraw when the Asheville Mall Security Council sent a garbled message via walkie-talkie concerning a new flash point in Home Furnishings where a Chinese family and a monk were “fighting…over…te…bed.”