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 Brad Pitt devastated after break-up, according to
many women he's now begun fucking
Actor Brad Pitt, who recently announced his separation from actress wife Jennifer Aniston, has been agonizing over the breakdown of what once seemed to be a storybook marriage, according to much of the ass he's been tagging this week. "I've never seen Brad like this," said one anonymous friend who has known Pitt for almost seven years and now finally, finally finally gets to fuck him. "How often do you see the minority party in a three-on-one cry? OK, well how about when it's a man?" Although tabloids are reporting that Aniston felt threatened by the close friendship that developed on the set of a recent film co-starring Pitt and actress Angelina Jolie, Pitt maintains that he did not begin relentlessly monkey-fucking Jolie until the night the separation was announced to the public. "Brad's friends know that he wants to have children but Jen's been doing more films and wasn't ready to settle down," claimed Marge Smallwood of Omaha who doesn't know Pitt but has every intention of getting impregnated should they ever copulate when next the actor gets lost in Omaha and winds up on her doorstep while her grandchildren are away. "Nobody knows what Brad is going through except Jen and the reports filtering down to me indicate that he hopes to reunite with his wife after this trial separation," Pitt's publicist Michael Channing said, while, across town in Pitt's self-designed mansion, Channing's ex-wife tossed Pitt's salad as Channing's college-aged daughter simultaneously worked the sac and scowled at the model patiently waiting in the bedroom doorjamb.
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Monkey robs bank, escapes on dog
Cary Goff, Disclaimer Staff Writer 
Haywood Rd., Mon. - A Wachovia bank branch in West Asheville was terrorized yesterday during a daring mid-day robbery by an out-of-work street-performing monkey.Witnesses said the "visibly nervous" monkey entered the building while perched upon a dog around 1:30 p.m. and "acted fidgety" as he waited in line for the next available teller. "I was counting bills when I looked up and saw a monkey dressed like a cowboy jump off a dog and start ransacking the place," said bank teller Sandy King. "He ran over to me, jumped up and down while pointing a gun at me and screeching. It really freaked me out." The monkey then went on a rampage, terrifying bank customers who stood by helplessly as the suspect sexually assaulted and then destroyed a cardboard credit card stand. The assailant also swung from the light fixtures and attacked a hat that an elderly woman was wearing. "I couldn't figure out what he wanted," recalled one teller. "When he came back, I handed over a wad of cash but he just put some in his mouth and hissed at me. He grabbed a bowl of complimentary mints and ran out of the building. He jumped onto the back of the getaway dog waiting outside and took off." The monkey, Squeaks, was identified from police sketches by his owner, an animal trainer who asked to remain anonymous for professional reasons. The monkey's owner claims that Squeaks has been missing for weeks and has a known dependency on amphetamines and freebase banana. The dog has been identified as Piddles, whose owner, Jay Glover, lives in Weaverville. "I can't believe Piddles got himself mixed up with a monkey," said Glover. "Especially one with an arrest record. He's a good dog, yes he is, who's a good dogÉ. but I have to admit, he has seemed quiet lately and I did find a large amount of cash buried in the back yard." Police have informed the public to keep an eye out for a monkey riding a dog. Citizens are strongly urged not to attempt to apprehend the monkey as Squeaks is extremely dangerous and known to fling his own feces.  P. Diddy carries out 'Vote or Die' threat against non-voters
Leo Bloom, Disclaimer Staff
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Committed to enforcing the threats he made with his "Vote or Die" campaign, recording artist P. Diddy is currently in the process of hunting down and destroying any and all eligible voters who failed to turn out for this year's presidential election.
