Dear Arnold,
How do you know when your child is old enough to be potty trained?
— Sincerely, Tired of Diapers.

Dear Tired of Diapers,
It’s all about the subtle clues. For instance, I knew it was time for little Henry to try the potty when he came up to me and said, ”Dad, the diapers are giving me a rash when I mow the lawn.” That was the sign that little Henry didn’t need to change his own diapers any more. He had become a man.

Dear Arnold,
Our baby cries a lot. What’s a good way to sooth a crying baby and make them stop.
— Sincerely, Tired

Dear Tired,
Duct tape, dirty sock, muzzle, glue... there's just too many to mention. A question like that makes me think you're not really trying.

Dear Arnold,
I’m wondering if our child is suffering from ADD - attention deficit disorder. He's showing signs of inattention, impulsivity and hyperactivity. What should we do?
— Concerned

Dear Concerned,
Let’s see here. You’re kid gets bored easily, likes to do spontaneous things and has a lot of energy. That sure doesn’t sound like any kid I know. He's probably just a little stupid, and as far as I know there's no cure for that.

Dear Arnold,
My son's soccer coach refuses to play my son even though I know he's as good as the other kids. What's the best way to handle this situation?
— Dan

Dear Dan,
The best time to handle this is in the middle of a soccer game. Pull a knife on the coach and tell him to meet you behind Piggly Wiggly. If he refuses to go, show your son how to deal with any disagreement by throwing a swift punch to his throat and doing a Pekinese Groin Grab. (Look at his wife while you do this.) It's a little emasculating trick I learned in Da Nang.

Dear Arnold,
What are some things to look out for when we’re buying toys for our three-year-old son.
— Patrick

Dear Patrick,
Don’t get him anything gay. You don’t want to turn your boy into some flaming ass hound because you got him a doll or something pink. Nothing will turn a boy queerer faster than a bunch of gay toys. Get guns, knives, things to teach him how to defend our country from the boys who grew up with gay toys. As far as girls, just get them some kitchen cooking tea-set crap, so they can get started on learning how to cook for their man.