A Message from the West Asheville Neighborhood Association

Several complaints have been filed with the West Asheville Neighborhood Association regarding the size of domestic pets seen frequenting the sidewalks of our exclusive little district.

Members of the Board of Directors for the West Asheville Neighborhood Association have underwritten a comparative study that focuses on various Asheville neighborhoods and the average size of the dogs within those neighborhoods. The findings are as follows:

• W. Asheville — Avg. size of dog: Shetland pony

• Downtown — Avg. size of dog: Emaciated Shetland pony

• Montford — Avg. size of dog: Small 12-year-old Columbian drug mule (Note: actual small 12-year-old Columbian, not actual mule)

• Biltmore Forest: Size of average tree squirrel

As you can see, an inverse relationship has been established between the size of one’s canine and the socio-economic status of one’s neighborhood. Although economists are unable to establish which factor determines which, anthropologists have reported that families with a combined household income of over $150,000 often have dogs that are no larger than your average unshelled peanut.

As a result of these findings, the West Asheville Neighborhood Association would like to strongly encourage all W. Asheville residents to decrease the size of their dogs by at least 20% by the 1st of July. This can be accomplished several different ways:

1. Trade in for smaller model.

2. Replace dog food with rice and serve in increasingly smaller portions.

3. Have family veterinarian perform safe, painless outpatient procedure that removes your dog’s legs and replaces them with a belly-fed greased tread system.

By decreasing the size of the average dog seen in W. Asheville, common sense dictates that property values will skyrocket. Just imagine the exuberance felt by a potential homebuyer after driving past a W. Asheville lady of style and class walking a dog that could conceivably fit within her little old ear.

This suggestion does not apply to those residing on Fairfax Ave. The W. Asheville Neighborhood Association would instead like to encourage those residents to decrease the frequency with which they drunkenly slap their common-law spouses.