Young Man Makes Summer Money Cleaning Pools, Unleashing Horsecock

UNCA senior Jeff Hightower is earning a little spending money for fall semester by lending his cleaning skills and his throbbing horsecock to residential pools this summer.

“The beginning of the season is the busiest, when the pools have been covered all winter and people really need a serious pool-cleaning and a mile of horsecock,” Hightower said. “Long ago, poolboys incorporated the horsecock gimmick but really the pool cleaning is what we pride ourselves on.”

Hightower puts in long hours fishing leaves out of pools, adjusting chlorine levels and delivering unrelenting horsecock to stay ahead of the competition.

“Many women’s husbands rot in cubicles all day or waste time drinking coffee and reading free newspapers,” Hightower said. “So the women are at home all day feasting on strange horsecock and you really have to provide tree-trunk-thick horsecock and make that pool look sharp to stand out from the crowd.”

Another pool-boy agrees.

“People curious about our business should know that you got to have the lowest bid or a large tube of horsecock or a digital chlorine meter to get these jobs,” pool-cleaner Richard Thunder said. “The poor economy and the excessive amount of horsecock surrounding the wives of newspaper-reading non-pool-boys is forcing me to find another line-of-work, like gardening or home delivery.”
Vocational artist misunderstood

Steve Odom, a 17-year-old practitioner of the vocational arts, is completely misunderstood by high school society, according to friends of the artist.

“Neither the drama department nor the Key Club can make sense of Odom’s decision to learn how to make things, operate things or fix things to make a living,” said a friend of Odom. “Only time will tell if he can support himself outside of an accepted career path like performing Shakespeare in the park.”

Students in more traditional tracks, like “Cultural Awareness Studies,” admit to sensing a feeling of disconnectedness with fellow classmates who choose to pursue vocational arts.


“As I understand it, somewhere in the school nobody really knows about or has ever been, there are classes without books and mass production of welded-together drug paraphernalia,” said French Club member Stephanie Billup.

Some members of the faculty share these sentiments.

“All we know for sure is that there’s some older guy down there who’s missing half a thumb,” added algebra teacher Dan Jenkins. “Maybe he teaches here? Teaches shop class here at this school— My God, can that be right?”



New Study: Chocolate Boosts Brainpower... may cause anal fissures.

That’s right chocolate lovers, a new study shows that chocolate increases brainpower! Scientists at the University of Belgium have done research that shows eating chocolate 14 times a day boosts your brainpower by 25 percent! But it has also been proven to cause anal fissures.

25 percent smarter? You ask. “Definitely says Dr. Nestle at the UB Institute for Cocoa, we’ve found that the richer more expensive chocolates make you smarter. And our coordinated study done with the Starbucks Institute of Coffee has found that drinking 12 to 15 cups of coffee a day combined with 14 to 20 ounces of chocolate makes you smarter, more attractive, is high in anti-oxidants and increases what we call your “super-cool-extra-yea!-ness” ratings by 10! But may cause anal fissures.”

So eat up Chocoholics! And Drink up Java Junkies! And keep an eye out for more corporately funded research that says, “Buying our product is scientifically proven to be totally awesome!”



New Al Qaeda Head Deemed to Have Sufficient “Crazy-Eyes” to Run Organization.

Days after the death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Al Qaeda in Iraq issued a press release announcing its new leader Egyptian-born Abu Ayyub al-Masri. Members of Al Queda are very excited, but are wondering if he will maintain their current sick-day policy or get rid of Hawaiian burqa Fridays.

“Regardless of his leadership skills," said an al Qaeda spokesman, "we felt he had mastered the crazy eye needed to be a great al Qaeda leader. Leadership skills are great, but when you’re cutting the head off a hostage on TV, it’s really about the look. Even more than that, it’s about that “crazy eye” look. We think he’s nailed it.”

In a press release by al-Masri himself, he said that his past beheading experience, his many terrorist workshops, and his BA in Infidel Destruction and The Explosive Arts lets him bring to the table a cache of valuable work experience, not to mention a face full of “crazy eye”.

“I look forward to bringing al Qaeda in Iraq into the new millennium. I see our beheading output tripling. I see many new things exploding. It’s really an exciting time to be in Iraq. I look forward to the short time I have left before I’m martyred by a large American bomb. ”



Satan Totally Spaces on 06/06/06 World Destruction

"Shit!" Echoed around hell as Satan woke up on June, 7th, 2006 to realize that he had spaced on destroying the world on his special day. "06/06/06! I can't believe it," he said. "I totally forgot about it. I was all about the laundry I had to do that morning. The hell hounds puked on the sofa. The Demons have been so needy and whiney, and God's really been riding my ass lately about the whole evil thing. I just totally spaced."

Angry that he'll have to wait another 100 years to unleash his pure evil on the world, Satan thought about doing it a day late anyway, but realized it was pointless.

"Screw it," he said. "I space on this every 100 years. Next time I’m definitely putting a sticky note on my Hitler calendar. 060606 – Destroy world or spawn Damien!!!! The extra exclamation points will help me remember that it’s really important that I don’t forget."

Satan was a little relieved about not having to potentially raise a child who will destroy the world. “Osama has been a handful enough. You throw in George Bush and Clay Aiken with their, ‘Oh Dark Lord, please bless me with your evil powers… blah blah blah’… It’s almost more than I can handle right now. So yes, it’s probably a good thing."

After a much-needed vacation in Orlando, Satan is planning on returning to hell and gearing up for 06/06/2106.


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