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My Humble Opinion
What's the world coming to when a man can't mutilate the genitals of another man in the privacy of his own home.
Some people might call me crazy, even old-fashioned, but I thought I was living in the United States of America. Am I right? I just read in the Asheville Citizen-Times that two local men were arrested for nothing more than cutting the penis off of other men. I'm sorry folks, but that's not the America I grew up in.
There use to be a time when one man could be another man's man-whore in the privacy of their home and that was okay. I remember the days when you could have gerbil spelunking nights and gag-ball tea parties and that was just fine and tootin'. I grew up with the typical barnyard antics, if you know what I mean, and my neighbors nary raised an eye. What happened to those days? Now a man goes to jail simply for mutilating the genitals and penis of another man? Outrageous! I guess if I dressed another man in leather, kept him in a cage and fed him only raw meat I'd be thrown in jail for that too?
Well folks, the terrorists have won. I was told 9/11 changed everything, but I didn't think it meant that I couldn't castrate a man in my kitchen with a Henkle without fear of prison time. For shame, America, for shame. Tonight, my man-whore and I will shed a tear in the dungeon before I start spanking him with a mounted squirrel ... in the privacy of my own house.
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Bin Laden Livens Up Videos with Bloopers and Pranks
After acknowledging a drop in ratings to his videos, a spokesman for Bin Laden announced that he is exploring new avenues to get his message out.
"We've really dropped in the 18 to 34 demographic. So we thought we'd try to show the funny side of terror," said an un-named spokesman for Bin laden. "You get these al-Qaeda members together anything can happen. It's as easy as turning on the camera and let the hilarity insue."
Followers in the Middle East and enemies in the West will see a lighter side of Bin Laden. On one out-take he fumbles, saying,"...the lintrails of the zionist..." to which he chuckles and you can hear the camera man laugh. "Wait... did I say lintrails?" Bin Laden asks looking around. "I meant to say, may the entrails of the zionist pig dogs flow through the bloody streets of America... geesh I'm really behind on my dialysis."
Also debuting is an al-Qaeda version of "Punk'd" called "You've been Fatwa'd!" From exploding sandwiches to a suicide bomber who's vest was rigged not to explode but rather to make embarrassing farting noises, you'll see al-Qaeda members prank each other. From dressing a member up to look like an American and dropping him off in Iraq, to a television set that levels a three story building.
"It's Benny Hill meets Abu Musab al-Zarqawi," says the al-Qaeda spokesman. "Great stuff. And they'll be the traditional threats of world violence and imminient detruction we've all come to love and expect. So really, it's the best of both of worlds."
Local 15-year-old boy disappointed by lack of sexual advances from teachers
"I keep hearing about all these teachers sleeping with students and I'm like, why hasn't that happened to me?" Says Josh McFreugal, a freshman at a local high school. "It's not fair. Where's that hot teacher's aide for me? Where's that super-fine blonde teacher? What? Am I not molestation worthy? I wouldn't tell the newspapers or WLOS, I promise. Maybe everyone in school, but definitely not the newspapers."
In particular Josh would like to give a shout-out to Mrs. Feldman, a thirty-something math professor. "She's all blonde and stuff, and I like the way she erases the chalkboard. So hot."
Also Mrs. Mendez, the 27-year-old Spanish teacher. "She's got that Latin thing going on, that accent, and she smells good."
"I'd even do Mrs. Crenshaw, the 63-year-old chemistry teacher. "She's saggin' a bit, but she's okay for an old person."
"Really anyone," Josh finally admits. "Anyone seriously, come on teachers, give me a chance. My hormones are pinging here. There's only so much mid-night 3-hour pornathons can satisfy. Someone, anyone, touch me damn it. I'm about to explode."
Amish Girls Reach Across Cultural Divide
 Susan Miller and Laura Brown have broken down the barriers of their radically different lives to show what can happen if people look beyond cultural and religious differences. Susan who is Amish from Western Pennsylvania has formed an unlikely friendship with Laura, an Amish woman from Eastern Pennsylvania. Though these groups rarely meet because of the week-long 120 mile trek, they keep in contact through letters and carrier pidgeon.
"They don't let their differences keep them apart," says Abraham Miller, Susan's father. "Susan likes to churn butter with a oak spoon, where as Laura churns butter with a cedar spatula. Laura uses hemp line to mend her skirts where Susan uses cotton fiber. "It's crazy I tell you," says Susan's father Abraham. "We tolerate Laura's alien ways, because it's not one's place to condemn a culture as foreign and sin-filled as hers. We leave that for God."
Among other cultural differences, Susan rides a buggy to church where as Laura walks. You might be asking yourself, how do these girls find common ground?
"We try not to let the big differences get in the way. Because she's so different, I learn more about myself. Though her usage of a butter churn her father made will condemn her to a fiery hell, I try not to let the stench of her sin get in the way of our friendship."
"Susan fastens her cloths with buttons and her father wears one suspender not two. This unfortunately means she will become Satan fodder in the bowels of eternal hell," says Laura, "but she makes me laugh and that's what counts."
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