Young Man Makes Summer Money Cleaning Pools, Unleashing Horsecock

UNCA senior Jeff Hightower is earning a little spending money for fall semester by lending his cleaning skills and his throbbing horsecock to residential pools this summer.

“The beginning of the season is the busiest, when the pools have been covered all winter and people really need a serious pool-cleaning and a mile of horsecock,” Hightower said. “Long ago, poolboys incorporated the horsecock gimmick but really the pool cleaning is what we pride ourselves on.”

Hightower puts in long hours fishing leaves out of pools, adjusting chlorine levels and delivering unrelenting horsecock to stay ahead of the competition.

“Many women’s husbands rot in cubicles all day or waste time drinking coffee and reading free newspapers,” Hightower said. “So the women are at home all day feasting on strange horsecock and you really have to provide tree-trunk-thick horsecock and make that pool look sharp to stand out from the crowd.”

Another pool-boy agrees.

“People curious about our business should know that you got to have the lowest bid or a large tube of horsecock or a digital chlorine meter to get these jobs,” pool-cleaner Richard Thunder said. “The poor economy and the excessive amount of horsecock surrounding the wives of newspaper-reading non-pool-boys is forcing me to find another line-of-work, like gardening or home delivery.”
FW: FW: I know I've said this before, but this time I mean it — You HAVE to read this forward!

Greetings to all my acquaintances and former co-workers who grace the bcc of my world-famous email forward list.I didn't hear from any of you after my last must-see, so I trust you forwarded that puppy poem to 10 other people as instructed.

My email did get bounced back to me from a few of my old college roommates, and I hope they simply forgot (apology accepted) to update me about getting new email addresses as opposed to the worst-case scenario — they met certain calamity by missing the “3-day deadline” to forward “True Friends are Like Puppies” to all their true friends (who ARE like puppies).

In my defense, the dire consequences of not doing so were prominently explained at the end of the forward. It's like I keep saying — you gotta’ read these forwards all the way to the end, people.

I feel confident that I speak for everybody when I say that the best way to start a workday is by reading a 3,000-word recounted conversation between a parent and a child (sometimes I think some of them are made up but they're still adorable).

The steady, droning build-up to one final, climactic, cute kid-observation makes me practically forget that the web cast of “The View” is even on. (Because of their young age, you see, kids are able to say the things we only wish we could. So true!) Also, I don't think I'll ever get tired of certain groups trying to use an assigned word in a sentence. No, let me axe you a question!

But if for some reason you tucked my other recent hourly forwards in a special folder marked 'READ ASAP!', do not even dream of putting this one off for one minute.

To get to the thing I want you to see, scroll waaay down the email and then just keep following the links [there are a lot] until you're asked if you would like to download software needed to view the page. After hitting yes, wait a few minutes and you're going to have to run an install program [there are step-by-step instructions for this, so don't worry. Also, tech support is available 24-7]

Next, reboot your computer [I had to do it twice, so don't freak out if this happens to you].
OK, you're halfway there. Open this email back up and just follow the rest of the instructions which kind of got separated in the email body throughout the course of all the forwarding, so you have to really jump back and forth to piece it all back together. But trust me, you have to see this!

I'm not saying 'dancing frogs,' but I'm not not saying it either!
I've got a hot tip on some funny pictures of signs held by homeless people, so when my man comes through with that, I'll shotgun it right over.





New Study: Chocolate Boosts Brainpower... may cause anal fissures.

That’s right chocolate lovers, a new study shows that chocolate increases brainpower! Scientists at the University of Belgium have done research that shows eating chocolate 14 times a day boosts your brainpower by 25 percent! But it has also been proven to cause anal fissures.

25 percent smarter? You ask. “Definitely says Dr. Nestle at the UB Institute for Cocoa, we’ve found that the richer more expensive chocolates make you smarter. And our coordinated study done with the Starbucks Institute of Coffee has found that drinking 12 to 15 cups of coffee a day combined with 14 to 20 ounces of chocolate makes you smarter, more attractive, is high in anti-oxidants and increases what we call your “super-cool-extra-yea!-ness” ratings by 10! But may cause anal fissures.”

So eat up Chocoholics! And Drink up Java Junkies! And keep an eye out for more corporately funded research that says, “Buying our product is scientifically proven to be totally awesome!”






SEEKING WRITERS:
Disclaimer online is looking for writers.
Must be funny and love working for free.
If interested
Email us your writings.